I went through a bit of a rough patch again when some new abuse came to light. It started an avalanche of emotions that almost consumed me. It was then that I decided that I needed to address these issues and find coping strategies. Pushing them down and hoping they go away hasn’t been effective. Sure, I have sought counseling in the past, and journaled, which have been helpful, but it seems only for the short term. There are always two parts of me during these moments; the rational part that tells me that the abuse wasn’t my fault; and the emotional part that tells me that the abuse had to be my fault, that there must be something wrong with me, and that I am unworthy of love. The emotional part always overrides the rational part, therefore, I need to find mechanisms to deal with the over-bearing and dominating emotional part of me.
As you may recall, counseling was on the list of steps I needed to take in order to reclaim my self worth and learn to love myself again. I also wanted to learn coping strategies and acquire tools to better manage the after effects from the years of abuse I suffered at the hands of others throughout my life. Well, I recently reached out to a counselor online and have been speaking with her all week. This method might seem a bit unorthodox for some, but I find that it is quite effective. It is also convenient because I don’t have to leave the house to have a counseling session. This is a good thing for me especially considering the circumstances with being laid up at the moment because of the torn ligaments in my foot. I also don’t have to book an appointment, sit in a waiting room, get dressed, or leave the house. There is also a sense of anonymity and safety involved in not having to sit in front of a complete stranger as I tell them my deepest, darkest secrets. When placed in situations like that I become nervous, forget things, stumble over my words and become extremely emotional. It becomes difficult to express myself through the flood of emotions and ensuing waterfall of tears. With this online counseling I find it far easier to express my inner thoughts and feelings. I simply have to send a message at my leisure and wait for a response. I’m loving it! I am finding it very effective and actually feel better after even just a few sessions.
One of the other things on my list was to go to the doctor, which I honestly haven’t done yet. Soon though, very soon. In an effort to simplify things, and better explain what has been going on with my health, I wrote a list of symptoms to take to the doctor. I am really hoping that this list will be helpful in determining what is going on with me. Trying to sit there and explain everything, in a very brief period of time, in a hectic doctor’s office, would be futile on my part. I always get flustered and forget things, or, like the counseling scenario, I become emotional and cry. This list can be read by the doctor within a mere couple minutes and fully explains what I have been experiencing. Where I go from there who knows. What answers I receive, who is to say, but at least I may finally get some answers.
I have been reading positive affirmations everyday to remind myself how special I am, how loved I am, and how beautiful I am both inside and out. These have been helpful in reclaiming my positive out look on life. Regardless of what struggles I have had over the course of my life, I refuse to be viewed as a victim. I am strong. I am a survivor. All those struggles gave me scars that I am proud to wear. All those struggles, all that abuse, all those tough times, have made me grateful for all that I have and who I have become. I know they always say not to let the abuse define you, but how can it not? Maybe, more realistically, it should be to not let the abuse define you in a negative way. Don’t allow it to overcome you, consume you, and drag you down. It can, and will, however become part of you. You can allow it to make you a better person and be grateful for the small things in life. You can let it teach you empathy for others in similar situations and help you better understand that we all suffer our own daily struggles. You can either learn from it and grow as a person, or you can choose to allow it to control you. Personally, I prefer to grow as a person, work to become a better me everyday and use my experiences to help others. One of my favorite reads as of late was the following excerpt from a book that I want to read called ‘The Warrior: Trailblazer of Truth’. I stumbled onto it on a social media site and find it intriguing.
“For TOO LONG you have allowed the past to affect you!
For TOO LONG you have taken personally what others say about you!
For TOO LONG you have stood on the sidelines watching others thrive!
For TOO MANY NIGHTS you have gone to bed worrying about what may be.
For TOO LONG you have held a fear in your heart.
For TOO LONG you have settled for second best!!
NOW is the time to awaken!
NOW is the time to shine!
NOW is the time to ACCEPT that you are DIVINE!!”
“This is my message for you – allow it to touch the deepest parts of your being – to help you awaken to the truth – that you do deserve to live a GREAT life – and whatever that means for you!” (Excerpt from book: THE WARRIOR: Trailblazer of Truth – available now at: http://publishing.templeofbalance.com/thewarrior.html)
Is that a powerful message or what?! I want to read more!